Open Letter to CLA Students

Disclaimer: If you need a disclaimer to understand the satire in this post then you are probably in CLA.

To whom it may concern:

First I would like to sincerely congratulate you on being accepted into the least prestigious college of one of the most prestigious research universities in the country. Your accomplishments thus far in your life are something to be spoken of often; it must pointed out though that they will be spoken of in condescending, mocking tones by those in other colleges.

I must articulate my excitement to meet all of you on campus or in Dinky Town as you stumble along the street, asking me for help on how to find food or a bathroom. Slurred speech, drool and all, it is intriguing to think how much worse you can be when this is my impression of you when you are sober. And while I am excited to see you all, it is true that statistically I will only see sixty percent of you return next year.

The excellent education that you came here for is something I feel we can connect with. I love hearing about the Art History and Political Science majors, as I have always felt that we need more museum curators and politicians in this country. Noble pursuits are they. But I do prefer to converse with the English majors so they can remind me of their ability to almost speak it. As to those in Leadership and Communications, I look forward to seeing your seminars posted on the bulletin board outside of my office.

Admittedly I am not being fair. There are plenty of very intelligent people in the College of Liberal Arts. I look forward to meeting all of my fellow Math or Physics majors who received a B.A. instead of a B.S. at my child's sixth grade conferences. Also Anthropologists have always struck me as quite intelligent as they have a fine understanding of infinite loops; namely how anthropologists have nothing to do but teach other people about anthropology.

Among the most interesting majors to me in the College of Liberal Arts are those of the form [Insert Minority] Studies. The motivation to take courses in these is fairly reasonable, as current events and twelve years of public schooling often do not contain enough information on social tension and the problems that minorities face. So maybe $100,000 and four years may make you a more informed citizen.

I also noticed, and it was a disappointing realization, that there is no White Male Studies program. But then a friend from CBS pointed out that is simply a history major.

Overall it is important to realize that you did make it into the University of Minnesota, and are becoming a member of the local community and you have the opportunity to change the world. Chances are though, you're in CLA because you probably did not try to change the world even a little bit in high school. Good luck though; mediocrity is sexy.